OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
