I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
