I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
