one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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