Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
