I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
