he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
