every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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