I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
