my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
