im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
