hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
