Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
