he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
