im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
