Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
