I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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