Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
