Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
