i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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