"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
