I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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