i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
