I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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