There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
