The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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