I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
