it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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