Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
