You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
