fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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