I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
