she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
ok first of all what the fuck
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