I have demons in me.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
