I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
