I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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