you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
