If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
