Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
