I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
