My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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