you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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