remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
