franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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