the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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