You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
