It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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