Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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