We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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