Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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